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I really have not been okay lately.

It's hard to explain everything and I don't have the energy to do it, but to put it bluntly, I have depression. I haven't felt this miserable, this worthless, this hopeless, since middle school. And I hate it, because I thought I beat depression once. But here it is again. I feel weak.

I haven't been having good thoughts lately. Most of what goes through my head now are how much of a horrible failure I am and how I want to die. I really did try to be optimistic, but I just couldn't do it anymore. I'm so tired.

I've been speaking to people about this. I first went to a teacher, and then he had me speak to a school councillor. They managed to get Bianney to schedule an appointment with my psychologist, which I went to today. We're going to talk about trying to help me.

I just feel so awful. I no longer have the motivation or energy to do anything. Even getting out of bed can be difficult. I find I've been sleeping a lot more than usual lately. And I've taken up a bad habit lately...

20141217_205055

I'm on my phone right now, so I don't know if that picture came up, but if it didn't, it's the scars on my wrist right now. They're a couple days old.

I haven't cut myself since early ninth grade. I feel horrible for getting back into the habit, but I just feel so hopeless and don't know what else to do.

I'll try my best to heal. I recognized that I needed help and I sought after it. Me and my psychologist are gonna try to meet more so we can work on it.

I just want to be content with life. I'm sick of being miserable. I have been since elementary school. I want to believe things will get better, but I also have those times where I just feel like giving up on life. I'll try my best to get better though, especially now that I have more support.

Falling Out

So it seems that me and Bradleigh are no longer friends.

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If there's any confusion, Bradleigh is the guy who came down from Orlando to visit me recently and I got him into Pokemon and taught him some stuff about Comashipping and the fandom and whatnot. I've talked about him a few times on here, too. I referred to him as Boo Boo.

Yeah, well me and him had a falling out. He got all butthurt over the fact that I don't have any romantic feelings for him and gave up on me.

And...I shouldn't be upset about that. I'm not usually one to care about losing a friend. But...Bradleigh was kind of different, I guess. Maybe it's because he was the one friend I thought I'd never lose. He used to tell me all these things, like how much he loved me and that he could never lose me. That I was important to him. And then all of a sudden he decides he doesn't want to be friends with me and gets a girlfriend.

I shouldn't be upset. I should be happy that some guy who wanted to get in my pants decided to stop bugging me. And while I kind of am happy about that, I can't help but be a little hurt. Because I did genuinely see him as a friend. And I did care. And now he's gone. I actually considered talking to him, which is something I usually never do when I lose a friend. But I went against it, because I wanted to see if he would ever start the conversation first. And I didn't want him to know that I kind of missed him. His birthday passed recently, and I decided not to wish him a happy birthday, which probably just bridged the gap further.

There's no way he's over me just like that. He can't be. I know he genuinely loved me. He's probably trying to get over me now. I feel like if he does come back though, I shouldn't accept him back into my life. Because this isn't actually the first time we've drifted apart. The other times were different though, in that they just happened due to us losing touch. But I remember telling him the last time that if something like that were to ever happen again, I wouldn't take him back. It's kind of hard to imagine him not being in my life though, because over the years he's become such a big part of it. I trusted him so much, I told him so much. We had talked about living together while I was in college (although admittedly, I had started to become unsure of those plans). He was one of the few people that I imagined staying with me throughout my life. Now all of that's down the drain. No more visits, no more late night talks, no more nothing. I'm still friends with him on Facebook, but I deleted him from my phone and all of his text messages.

I'll get over it. I know I will. I always do. But it's gonna take a little more time than usual.
I'M SORRY I NEED TO RANT.

I HATE the "Jindai is Shinji's father" theory. I hate how popular and widely accepted it is, I hate how the most of the fandom handles it, and I hate some of the implications of it.

Like, okay, I get it. They look alike. Is it purely a coincidence? Possibly not. But come on, it's not like Pokeani has the widest range of facial features anyway. But I feel like there's not much evidence beyond that.

This headcanon seems to really only exist to create drama. It's basically a rehash of the "Giovanni is Satoshi's father" theory to me. People will use this headcanon as an excuse to give Shinji issues he doesn't need (I mean, shit, he already had brother issues) as well as an excuse for him being mean. What's the point? It kind of upsets me because Shinji is an interesting character with interesting beliefs, but then you pop this theory in and it's like "Shinji has these beliefs because of his sad past" and so forth. (In fact that really allies to any theory that likes to give Shinji a shitty childhood and/or abusive parents.)

I don't think you necessarily need to have a bad childhood to be mean. Didn't Reiji once say that Shinji was always aggressive? I know people will say that no one is mean just to be mean, but I don't think kids need to have a bad past to be mean. I've seen tons of bratty kids with nice parents. In fact, I think Shinji becomes more interesting if you say that he did have nice, supportive parents. Hell, I'm even willing to accept that maybe his parents were too supportive and complete doormats. I've noticed that a lot of kids who grow up to be mean actually had parents who went way too easy on them.

You want to know what I think though? I think Shinji's parents are just two random people who are no longer around (be it dead or just simply elsewhere, though I tend to just say they're dead and have been dead for quite some time) and Shinji doesn't even give a fuck about them anymore. He probably doesn't even really remember what they look like, but he doesn't care anyway because he has his aniki, who basically fills the role of both mother and father. And you know what? His aniki was probably a shitty caretaker at the start. He himself was probably quite young when him and Shinji lost their parents and due to his young age and inexperience, he just wasn't that good of a caretaker to Shinji at first. And he just let Shinji get away with murder one too many times.

I don't know. It's late and I'm tired and this probably came or sounding weird and I most likely doesn't even get out everything that I wanted to say.

Update: 7/19/14

...Hey guys.

How are we all doing?

I'm in the Keys right now. I have a baby shower to go to later, and then a birthday party after that. Should be fun.

Summer hasn't been too exciting. I think the most I did was go to the beach twice (and one of those times I didn't even have anyone to go with), see Maleficent by myself, and go to a party.

The Maleficent thing is actually kinda funny but also really lame because I asked several different people of they wanted to go with me, and even though they said yes at first, at the last minute, they all said they couldn't go. I ended up just lying to my parents by telling them I had someone to go with and then just watched the movie by myself. This is why I don't make plans with people.

On a different note, I'm getting better at guitar. On top of that, I'm getting Boo Boo interested in Pokemon. Me and him talk about the games, I send him links to ORAS news and music from the games, and we even talk about the anime. You'd be surprised at how much me and him talk about Comashipping.

Speaking of Comashipping, I noticed that summer is always the time when I tend to think about Comashipping the most. It never truly leaves me, but it's like all the shippy feelings come back to me during summer. Probably because I got into it during the summer before going into middle school.

This post is all over the place, but I just wanted to update to see if anyone still even looks at my posts or wants to talk. I'm really out of touch with you guys now, huh? That's partially my fault, and partially because the only time I get access to a computer is on the weekdays when Bianney and my dad are at work. No one is ever on Tumblr during that time, it seems. I can go on my phone (which I'm doing now) but Tumblr is shit on my phone. Hell, even LJ is shit on my phone.

I do wonder what you guys are up to though. Hope you all are well.

I'm Getting Older

...Well, sorta. I'm a junior now. After this year, I'll be a senior, and then that's it. High school over. And I feel like I'm at that point in my life where I need to start getting my shit together.

Tenth grade started out fine, but went on to become probably my shittiest year. I mean, I guess I didn't do outright horrible, and I do think the grades I got on some of the tests were the highest I've ever gotten, but the biggest thing I remember from this year is all those feelings of disappointment. I never felt like I was giving it my all. And, well, yeah, I wasn't. So I really shouldn't be complaining, because it is all my fault. I was lazy, and even though I tried to kick the habit, I just found myself slacking off again. I know enough psychology and am self aware enough to realize that is just a dumb coping mechanism. I deal with stress by not dealing with it, which only makes the stress like up even more. And whenever I look back on the year, I think of how I screwed up so bad and how I could have done better.

What I'm trying to get to is that I feel like I need to change. I'm only getting older, and life is only getting harder. Soon enough, I'll be a legal adult who will have to make her own choices, and I need to be at least somewhat ready for that. And I really do want to change. I want to be more hard-working. I just feel like I've dug this deep hole that I can't get out of. My procrastination is gonna be my downfall of my keep it up. I really just don't want to fail. I want to live a good life with a good job and good income, but sometimes my thoughts get a little too grim. I don't like it. I thought I was above that.

I'm always changing and it's weird. Or maybe it's just all different assets of my personality battling against each other. All I know is that I thought I didn't feel this way anymore, but here comes tenth grade and all this stress and disappointment and maybe just the slightest twinge of jealousy at my sister for managing to be on top of her shit and not succumbing to the laziness and stress of middle school like I did and winning awards and my parents being proud of her, while I'm left wondering what there is about me to be proud of. What the hell. I thought I didn't need this. I told myself I didn't need anyone's praise but my own. But what am I supposed to do when I can't praise myself? I've literally just waiting for my sister to fall into the same trap I did when I went into middle school. To become a procrastinator so that I can prove to my parents that middle school was genuinely difficult and it wasn't just me. To prove to myself that middle school was genuinely difficult and it wasn't just me. To make me feel better about myself for not being able to do my best and put us on some common ground so that I won't end up sitting here feeling like a loser.

Changes need to be made. I can't keep feeling like this anymore. But change isn't always too easy, you know?

This post is probably all over the place and there are probably lots of errors but it's almost four in the morning and I'm too tired to care. I'm not quite sure what compelled me to write this, but I guess I just needed to get it out somewhere.

Update: 3/3/14

Well, my laptop is fucked up and I have no way of fixing it, so I've been away from Tumblr and all that for a while. Every time I turned it on, it wouldn't let me type anything in, making attacking for websites and such impossible. And the last time I tried to use it, it started beeping. I was hoping that a new battery would fix it, but my dad says he isn't going to buy one. My mom's computer is broken as well, so I can't use that. (As of now, I'm typing this on my phone.) On the bright side, she can't look at my shitty grades. (Fuck you, Parentlink.)

Yeah, I figured I'd just sort of give an update. It's really been a long time since I used this thing. In other news, I'm learning how to play the guitar. My uncle and grandpa gave me some pointers, and I practiced with them for a while. My uncle even bought me my own guitar. It's a Cordoba C5, a classical guitar, and it's so nice. I love the rich sound it makes. Also, during my time at my grandparent's house, when I was learning some stuff on guitar, I got to see my great grandmother. I can't remember if I mentioned this before, but she's been very sick lately. She's struggling to speak, but at least she can get out of bed now. It really doesn't feel like much of an improvement though. Everyone's stressing themselves out over her condition, hoping she'll get better, but to be honest, I'm not really sure why they're trying so hard. The woman is almost 90, even if she gets better, what can she possibly do with her life other than wait to die? I told my uncle this (or at least, I gave him the sugar coated version of my opinion, because I knew I'd be in deep shit if I was that open), and he said, "Well, some people still have things they want to achieve even when they're old." And yeah, I know that, but she's almost 90. Even before she was sick, she didn't really do much. Her only true purpose was to take care of me and my sister when we were young. But now that we no longer need her, what else is there for her to do? Well, she's holding on the best she can, but I know she can only take so much. I wonder if me and my sister will be invited to the funeral. I'm not quite sure how I'd feel about that. I mean, what do you even do at funerals? I don't want to be around a bunch of crying people.

My dad and Bianney are beginning to fight again. A while back, I even heard Bianney cry. My dad made it seem like he was gonna leave, but he simply slept on the couch. I overheard Bianney say that it's my dad's fault that me and my sister are crazy, and that he's "abusive." It makes me wonder if he hit her. I'd never seen my dad hit her, and it's hard to believe he would. I mean, I know he has a bad temper, and he's punched holes in walls and smashed things, but I can't imagine him striking her. Bianney tried to get me to believe he did once, and while he did raise his hand, he didn't hit her. I saw it. But I have to wonder what he would have done if I wasn't there. My sister said he saw him do it once, during that one incident, and I want to take her for it, but it's so hard to believe. Maybe I need to stop being so biased because my dad's the only one in my family that I actually kind of like.

I think I finally figured out why they haven't gotten a divorce yet. Bianney once told me that it was because she had nowhere to go, and while I do believe that, I think it's also because of me and my sister. We're old enough to be able to handle their divorce just fine, and I'm sure Damaris would see it coming as well, so the only other reason I can come up with is that they both know that they couldn't take care of us both on their own. We really don't have much money as it is, and if only one of them were around, they probably wouldn't be able to support us. And the fact that they're both bad parents, but at least when they're together, one of them can do something that the other can't. Ugh. I'm glad I'll be out of here in two years. I need to get away from all of this.

And as a side note, just to add more onto this whole "family problems" theme I got going on here, I find myself disliking my sister more and more as the years go by.

Oh well. Like I said, two more years, and I'm outta here. I plan to slowly disappear from their lives, but who knows how well that'll go.

Friends With Benefits

So, I was talking to Jarod today about relationships and he started it by saying that he wasn't sure if he wanted to be in a relationship again or not. It kind of got me thinking, and I told him that they only way I think I would ever want to be in a relationship again is if it were a sexual one. I don't know, I'm just aromantic and would be really nice to just have a friends-with-benefits relationship with someone, and not have to do all the dumb couple shit. I probably wouldn't even refer to that person as my boyfriend/girlfriend/whatever.

But that's the problem. I just want favors, and the thing about most people is that they look for genuine romance and someone that can love them and make them happy, which I don't want, nor can I do. The other person would probably feel manipulated and used. Even my ex felt that way when our relationship started to take that turn, so I had to be more...subtle, I guess. Also, I kind of want that relationship with a girl more than anyone else. I don't know, girl are just hot. But honestly, the girls in my school aren't very desirable, and most of them are straight. If I wanted to have a sexual relationship, I would either have to outright admit that that was all I wanted out of the other person, or slowly lean in that direction subtlety, and there are cons to both of those options. With the first, well, you already know, and the second would take more time and bore me.

Ugh. Oh well. I guess you can't have everything.

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